My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
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Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
DOOO EEEET
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess