[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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BRAKING NEWS!!
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Warm pools make me nervous.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.