me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
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What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Sticker placement is key.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
oppen heimer style lol
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.