I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.