Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.