I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.