Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
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If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz