*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
それは草
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.