Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?