If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
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Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
The point of your 20s
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Put a ring on it
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator