[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.