Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist