Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
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1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.