I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.