Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
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Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
another case of gang violins
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*