Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
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You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks