MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
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My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA