THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
You Might Also Like
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸: