If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Finally a use for spoilers…