I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
#NoRestForTheWicked
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
This took me a second..
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
You’ll be OK
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.