I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
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I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
There’s never enough good news