*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“That’s what” – She
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God