me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
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Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*