Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
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It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
adam and eve had first world problems
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.