[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*