Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!