Did…did a minotaur write this
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I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
notice
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
それは草
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.