“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
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Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.