My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I put the hot in psychotic.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.