“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
You Might Also Like
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?