I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
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I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Velcrow
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
President The Rock Obama
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT