employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.