I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…