GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.