All generalizations are stupid.
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You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My blood type is coffee.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
hackers play passwordle
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no