Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
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At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]