Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.