Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
How can I say no to this ?
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
me when I see my crush
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.