I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
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Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen