I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
remember
only for emergencies
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
That was easy.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.