Monday again. I just knew this would happen
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Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once