Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I put the h in mysterious.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.