(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.