See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
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Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you