As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
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I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”