popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
No chill.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size