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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
oh you wanna fight?!
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
The USS B port
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!