people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
You Might Also Like
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.