Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Damn he played himself
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.