Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Candles never taste the way they smell
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
they really do be looking like this